Feeling sick

I still feel sick....
Even though I got out of yesterday, washed it off me when I got home, I nevertheless still feel sick .... No, this is not a sickness that happened this morning during our khash (oh how would I eat everything I was not able to in the morning!), and not that hysterical state of turning over the edge of the eleven-floor abyss once again, and not even the lack of the annoyance from the absence of the premise that I've been waiting for almost a month and for some reason still hasn't received. All these are such a minor things. I'm sick of the feeling that comes to me while being all alone in the middle of a place full of fun. Nobody can help me cope with this. One friend offered to take a ride on his horses, but I always fall off the horse, not having yet sit in the saddle. Another explained to me why this is happening and what to do for this, namely, not to dress in a special jockey clothes, not to use any accessories (saddle, bridle, reins, whip), and tell myself that I'm the best rider.
However, up does not come to the horses, because for them I do not exist. They do not see me, and they do not need me. After all, if there are millions of normal, healthy, wealthy, romantic, I would say, and just successful riders all around, why should they need this troubled old bald bastard? He does not exist!
Then that second friend left, and I gradually began to feel sick and still I do to this moment (after all, this is entirely my fault). Guys, what a disgusting yesterday I had! Well, evening, to be honest, but that evening was able to make mischief the day as a whole, so that I still feel sick ....
At the moment, I want nothing, because nobody needs my energy at all. No-bo-dy. Probably one of the torments of hell is non-utility. And if I'm already sick of relatively rather short period of time in this state, what will happen on the scale of eternity?