Feeling sick

I still feel sick....
Even though I got out of yesterday, washed it off me when I got home, I nevertheless still feel sick .... No, this is not a sickness that happened this morning during our khash (oh how would I eat everything I was not able to in the morning!), and not that hysterical state of turning over the edge of the eleven-floor abyss once again, and not even the lack of the annoyance from the absence of the premise that I've been waiting for almost a month and for some reason still hasn't received. All these are such a minor things. I'm sick of the feeling that comes to me while being all alone in the middle of a place full of fun. Nobody can help me cope with this. One friend offered to take a ride on his horses, but I always fall off the horse, not having yet sit in the saddle. Another explained to me why this is happening and what to do for this, namely, not to dress in a special jockey clothes, not to use any accessories (saddle, bridle, reins, whip), and tell myself that I'm the best rider.
However, up does not come to the horses, because for them I do not exist. They do not see me, and they do not need me. After all, if there are millions of normal, healthy, wealthy, romantic, I would say, and just successful riders all around, why should they need this troubled old bald bastard? He does not exist!
Then that second friend left, and I gradually began to feel sick and still I do to this moment (after all, this is entirely my fault). Guys, what a disgusting yesterday I had! Well, evening, to be honest, but that evening was able to make mischief the day as a whole, so that I still feel sick ....
At the moment, I want nothing, because nobody needs my energy at all. No-bo-dy. Probably one of the torments of hell is non-utility. And if I'm already sick of relatively rather short period of time in this state, what will happen on the scale of eternity?

Observations

If a man earns less than enough:

• he is reminded from time to time that he has to work more
• his point of view is not guaranteed to be accepted at all, even if it is correct
• if he adds more to the due sum, it is accepted as norm, but more to be given
• if he does something for himself - he is a squanderer
• wild idea proposed - he is boring
• whatever he does at home - he must do it; if he doesn't do something - he has swelled his head
• his points of view and tastes are the ones that should be reproached or hated 
• even once gone wrong it will be remembered until the end, and referred to when needed
• his descendants are of a lower priority among the equals

If a man earns more than enough:

• he serves a good example for the others
• his point of view will be accepted as a "great advise", be it correct or not
• if he adds more to the due sum, it is being put on the flag and waved until the next addition
• if he does something for himself - he must care for himself as well, mustn't he?
• wild idea proposed - he is interesting
• whatever he does - others must do it too; whatever he doesn't - he is not ought to do everything
• his points of view and tastes are the ones that should be respected or followed, or, well, left unmentioned
• he can't go wrong - everything can be justified
• his descendants are of a higher priority

 What if a man could earn just enough?

Timeless

On the pages of the Book of Revelation we are promised another life, a better one and incomparable with what we currently carry on with. It's hard to believe sometimes, I understand. That's why I post here this video clip from a film by Terrence Malick "The Tree of Life". This is the Formation Scene. Music composed by Zbigniew Preisner.

Having seen this part for the first time I was frightened with the scenes, and captured with the voice and the music in the background. All of the subsequent views of this part of the movie carried me away, to unachievable far distance, in the centre of the Universe, and when I, breathless and cold, see those Horsehead and Crab Nebulae, when I feel roaring sea waves unseen in the black of the sunless Void, when I confirm my insignificance in the face of the Eternity and when I want to cryyyyy out as I just try to imagine my Home, my Mother Earth lost in those pictures of the Universe, and when those pictures roll on with the divine background - either harmonic sounds of nature or a human-created eternal music - I BELIEVE that a better life can be gained. If only knew my soul will be taken there afterwards....

But I won't be able to stay there eternally. Those visions are unbearable expressions of LOVE. Who would dare to see THIS forever?

Only tears in my eyes....

On Disasters and Catastrophes (no more tears left)

Yesterday such a phrase from some of the TV-series reached my ears: "You are guilty of committing a crime against humanity...."

However I haven't yet heard another phrase: "Humanity is guilty of committing a crime against Life (Planet, Nature, Being, Mother-Earth - whichever one likes the most)". Why is everything so unfair?! Although it is said "those who endure to the end shall be saved", and also "this world still exists because of them" (I already wrote on this on the Journal pages). So it turns out that Mother-Earth will suffer all the pain and humiliation, until the last human deserving it stops walking upon it, won't She? Is that right?

Watching Animal Planet, Viasat Nature, where sweet voices tell stories about people who look after this or that species, or how they save this or that animal from violent treatment. "Fortunately, everything turned out all right...." - such words sum up those "positive" plots. But in fact the topic is about how the remnants of worthy people on Mother-Earth are trying to postpone the end of some animal species as far as possible, as their home territory reduces more and more, their lives getting shorter, and their looks getting more tragic. Our Mother-Earth is being deforested, waters polluted, and animals extinct....

And still.... this humanity dares to complain about anything?!

On Disasters and Catastrophes (crying out tears)

Oh how many good and interesting people there are all around me, how much of goodness and kindness there is in this world. They say, this world is better than we feel it is....

This night I was browsing YouTube, watching Pixar-related videos, and somehow, just accidentally, I reached a page with different videos about hunting and hunters.... and then once again I praised all those disasters, diseases, catastrophes, wars, and most of all - Natural Rages that annihilate and turn into nothing all that biological rubbish called Human Being. The Earth tries to clear Herself from that multibillion filth, She groans and gasps for breath. Most likely She will prevail sooner or later: a Human Being does not deserve walking upon Her.

They also sometimes say regarding good people that "this world still exists because of them", which means that "if this world still exists then somebody deserves it still".

    Cry those tears, then dry those tired eyes:
    every breath you take keeps you alive.

    Butterflies as we are
    freeze in flight beneath the starry sky
    but the ghosts fly on and on...
    in this sense we all belong,
     oh, Gaia!            

     And the sum of all the parts
     is the all-forgiving heart
     of Gaia.            

    Oh, Gaia!   
    (Peter Hammill, "Gaia", 1992)

Mother-Earth, you have all rights to not forgive us for what we do to You!