Feeling sick

I still feel sick....
Even though I got out of yesterday, washed it off me when I got home, I nevertheless still feel sick .... No, this is not a sickness that happened this morning during our khash (oh how would I eat everything I was not able to in the morning!), and not that hysterical state of turning over the edge of the eleven-floor abyss once again, and not even the lack of the annoyance from the absence of the premise that I've been waiting for almost a month and for some reason still hasn't received. All these are such a minor things. I'm sick of the feeling that comes to me while being all alone in the middle of a place full of fun. Nobody can help me cope with this. One friend offered to take a ride on his horses, but I always fall off the horse, not having yet sit in the saddle. Another explained to me why this is happening and what to do for this, namely, not to dress in a special jockey clothes, not to use any accessories (saddle, bridle, reins, whip), and tell myself that I'm the best rider.
However, up does not come to the horses, because for them I do not exist. They do not see me, and they do not need me. After all, if there are millions of normal, healthy, wealthy, romantic, I would say, and just successful riders all around, why should they need this troubled old bald bastard? He does not exist!
Then that second friend left, and I gradually began to feel sick and still I do to this moment (after all, this is entirely my fault). Guys, what a disgusting yesterday I had! Well, evening, to be honest, but that evening was able to make mischief the day as a whole, so that I still feel sick ....
At the moment, I want nothing, because nobody needs my energy at all. No-bo-dy. Probably one of the torments of hell is non-utility. And if I'm already sick of relatively rather short period of time in this state, what will happen on the scale of eternity?

The lyrics that were rejected (or maybe they weren't?)

Once again, I was asked by a friend to help him with writing lyrics for his songs. Once again I went through the pictures and images that are not of my style and not of my interest, but I should be paid for that. "OK, what to do. Give me the direction so I can start", I said. So in a couple of hours total the first song was finalized. The lyrics should be provided for a young female singer in the USA, so we looked through my text together, and lots of words and lines have been changed (EVEN MORE simplified, dulled and dumbed, I would say) in order to "sound accordingly", i.e. if a line ends with "day", the next one MUST end with anything that also ends with -ay; or if the voice on the demo record I based upon sings "nai-nou-lai-nou-nai-nou-baby-yeah-nai-nou" the final version MUST read "I know, I know, I know, baby yes, I know". The whole concept/idea/attitude/subject/implementation/working style look 180-degree opposite to my understanding of writing songs, but why should I say "no" if I am promised to be paid (in the times when it is needed very much)? So I said "OK, let's do it!"

Once I was trying to get some material result doing the same kind of stuff, following the same "production flow", guided by the same person and according to the same principles. In the end (when that song was actually wrote), I was told "No, the customer didn't like it", and I forgot about that.... Now I understand that I shouldn't. The same scenario worked for this time as well, so before sending the lyrics for the second song I asked "Are you sure, and can you guarantee that this time it will work fine?" and I was told "The customers are the people I respected the most and any kind of fail is impossible!", I kept in mind that I MUST be ready for the unsuccessful result. And this was the only thing in this whole story that I had clear idea about!

"The lyrics are wonderful, they said, but unfortunately the songs are written not by an American young girl, hence they don't reflect a US-teenager point of view; we need to write our own lyrics, sorry...." This is what I was told by my friend today. I asked "and what about the music? Did they reject it as well?" I knew he would say "No, they're fine with the music."

Was I fooled? Maybe. For the second time? Maybe. Wanna more? Surely not! :-)

And the lyrics? Oh, since they are "rejected" (and since they are actually weak) I am throwing them off.... in the cyberspace (the original versions, of course).



The Way I Go

The summer night has gently fallen down
The people there are waiting – it is Now
The stage before me is calling and I go
I’ve been waiting for so long
The lights are shining brightly over me
The faces are looking gently right at me
I am looking forward and I sing
To the Magic that I bring

And it changes night to day
And my fears run away
All the troubles disappear and I feel so strong
I truly hope this magic can do same to you
With all my heart I believe this can’t be wrong
That’s the way I go

I remember clearly when I was a child
I was told “that’s silly, don’t make a try”
But my heart kept singing, so I tried.
I’ve been trying for so long.
So I will remember this magic night
And how this magic feeling made me fly
The key to all my troubles is my Song
‘cause the Magic that it brings

Will surely change my nights to days
And will wipe my tears away
And will make my troubles look so tiny in my way
I truly hope this magic can do same to you
With all my heart I believe this can’t be wrong
That’s the way I go

In our weakest moments we lose our minds
Thinking none can help us – and crack inside
Truth is that we still can rise again
Just believe in Magic that happens every day

And it will change your nights to days
And will chase your fears away
And will make you happy and we will celebrate
I truly hope this magic can do same to all
With all my heart I believe this can’t be wrong
That’s the way I go



Hope you understand

I can see from my open window how
Fast the life rolls
People ‘round me dance to the rhythm of life
That’s how it goes.
But I’ll tell you what I think
I hope you’ll understand
Just look at the picture in my mind.

On the way I go all this fuss will just
Pass me by
Up above my head birds will fly in blue
Dome of the sky
Life is not just money bringing
I hope you understand
But if not then please just take my hand.

And we’ll walk outside
And through day and night
Will try to make things right.
Nothing changes by
itself, we must try
Support each other’s life.

Why we think of fright in the dead of night
And not of love?
Why destroy what has proved to be so right
And not wrong?
It’s so hard to explain my feelings
I hope you’ll understand
And I want to tell it with my heart.

And we’ll walk outside
And through day and night
Will try to make things right.
Nothing changes by
itself we must try
Support each other’s life.

This feeling lets us learn
About things we don’t know
About what we will meet on the way we’ll go.

And we’ll walk outside
And through day and night
Will try to make things right.
Nothing changes by
itself we must try
Support each other’s life.

Observations

If a man earns less than enough:

• he is reminded from time to time that he has to work more
• his point of view is not guaranteed to be accepted at all, even if it is correct
• if he adds more to the due sum, it is accepted as norm, but more to be given
• if he does something for himself - he is a squanderer
• wild idea proposed - he is boring
• whatever he does at home - he must do it; if he doesn't do something - he has swelled his head
• his points of view and tastes are the ones that should be reproached or hated 
• even once gone wrong it will be remembered until the end, and referred to when needed
• his descendants are of a lower priority among the equals

If a man earns more than enough:

• he serves a good example for the others
• his point of view will be accepted as a "great advise", be it correct or not
• if he adds more to the due sum, it is being put on the flag and waved until the next addition
• if he does something for himself - he must care for himself as well, mustn't he?
• wild idea proposed - he is interesting
• whatever he does - others must do it too; whatever he doesn't - he is not ought to do everything
• his points of view and tastes are the ones that should be respected or followed, or, well, left unmentioned
• he can't go wrong - everything can be justified
• his descendants are of a higher priority

 What if a man could earn just enough?