Goal Lost

Life.... Do we get happiness through suffering, peace through fuss, freedom through depression?

Sometimes I think we live our football
where all is decided with just one golden goal:
if it is you who scored it - you're forever winner,
and if you loose - no place for you to dwell.

The mistakes of the past burn into our soul that is, being a part of the Universal Soul, to keep those memories forever. How can one forget what has been done in the past? How to feel yourself forgiven? To be forgiven for me means to forget the past, or at least to leave it behind. But can I forget THAT what I will remember all through my life and for what I daily pay my debts? I come to a conclusion that I am not yet able to do that. The only way of "forgetting my past" I can imagine - to rebirth into an impudent, unpunished, shameless, selfish egoist who says "I did that, but it is in the past already. Onwards!" Who should win if a man does not admit his guilt? The Universal Soul will be remembering that forever! It will punish. It will be punishing constantly. And It is already punishing....

As life goes by my life should flow much easier,
but somehow options to live diminish gradually.
A tiny bit and there will be just one left:
"In spoons position when all lights are off, and in nuptial bed".

Hence, my version of life is a fussy passage of a depressed person through the suffering.... but where should I come to following that way? Who will open the door when my path ends? I have no fear, but resentment. First of all, for my life, for how I took it, how did I understand it, how spent, and what did I do to it. But who cares?